When You Become A Stranger To Yourself Pt.1

Ever seen that stupid dress that was all over the internet a while ago, you know, the one where people were arguing over whether it was gold or some other colour, as if there’s no problems left in the world to discuss, as if anyone even fucking cares?

Well, I don’t even know why I used that analogy really, but I guess it’s the best way I can try and begin to explain what I’ve been going through these past few days, if I can explain it at all that is…

So now imagine this - you're that stupid dress. Except of course, you’re not stupid, and you’re not a dress. But you just have no clue whether you’re gold, blue or some other shit you never even considered for that matter.

You’re literally a stranger to yourself. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What is it you want?

Yes, it’s often difficult to make decisions in life or act upon things. But for the most part, you have a pretty good idea of what’s going through your head and what you’re feeling, right? 

What do you do when you wake up one day and realise you have absolutely no clue what you’re feeling. No clue what you’re thinking. No clue what you want… Thoughts rushing through your mind, each one contradicting the last... 

Maybe you tell yourself it's just not your day... You distract yourself. You drink. You deny and ignore it, all in an effort to protect yourself from...yourself... You almost feel you've got it all under control...

...And then you wake up the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, too, feeling exactly the same.

Where do you go from there? How do you win this battle against your very own self?

To be continued...

PROVEHITO IN ALTUM
Daniel

Change

Change.

The one thing capable of scaring the fuck out of any person.

This one’s a common battle for me these days. When you take a step back and try to rationalise with all the thoughts going through your mind, you realise how ridiculous it is. You remember that the universe is built upon change. Days go by, seasons change, people are brought into and taken from this world every second, planets continuously orbit, air moves, people change…I could go on and on. It’s all around us.

And yet the majority of us want to stay still. Stay where you are, keep doing what you do, remain satisfied with what you have. Why? Because everything’s fine. Sure, you don’t live the perfect life, but then again who does? You’ve got a job. It may not be your dream job, but it pays the bills. You’ve got a family. You’ve got friends. You’re happy where you are. At least you feel that way. Nothing needs to change. The risk that comes with change is too great, right? Might as well stay put.

Wait a second though - how can you know and say that things are fine the way they are and that you’re happy where you are, without trying something else? Have you really been around, seen all that’s on offer?

Open your eyes and take a look around you. You know the successful people, the dreamers who made it by persevering through what was perhaps deemed impossible? What do they have that you don’t?

I think I know the answer to this one. I think it’s actually something you have that they don’t which is stopping you from being like them, keeping you from your dreams.

It’s the fear of stepping out of your comfort zone. Fear of the unknown.

You might think at this point that I sound like I’ve got it all figured out, and that I’m not like you. Or perhaps you think I have no idea what I’m on about :)

Actually, we’re on the same team, fighting the same fight. I have a decision pending, and regardless of what I decide I am about to embark on a new journey, a new chapter of my life. And I have no fucking clue what I want to do. My heart says one thing, my mind says another, friends and family another. I’m happy with the way things are, and I really wish I didn’t have to make this decision right now. In other words, I don’t want to step out of this comfort zone I’ve created for myself over the years. But sometimes, you just hear change calling out for you. You feel it. Sometimes, you just need to start listening, to open up your heart to new possibilities…

This piece is a reflection of some of my inner dialogue, and I hope those of you reading this can relate. At the very worst though, I will use this as a reminder to myself of how ridiculous our resistance against change is, and how people who are happy to step out of their comfort zone and take risks are the true winners of this game we call life.

So here’s a toast to the uncertainties that lie ahead and the beauty of life, which is dependent upon the unknown, the unforeseen, the untold. Here’s a toast to change, to the new experiences, friendships and memories that are yet to be made and engraved in our hearts and minds forever.

PROVEHITO IN ALTUM
Daniel

                                                                                                                                                                                   

Surrender

Spin. Spin spin spin. 8 billion people, 8 billion souls, 8 billion stories, yet we all depend and rely on the same routine.

“It’s a boy” she cried, “We have a son!” She grasped him with her loving hands, as if she would never let him go again. She froze, speechless. Tears of joy brushed across her exasperated face, like an endless stream. He stared at her with passion, emotions stirring, disbelief that he was now a father and both the excitement and fear of having to take on a world of responsibility and commitment.

Two blocks down. The desperate screams of a little girl wake up an entire neighbourhood, yet no one lifts a finger. Her dad, intoxicated as usual, beating her, as if the innocent soul, his very own blood was some sort of predator out to get him. Sickening.

Cross country. A 17 year old kid, tired, beat and alone standing on the very edge of a bridge, desperately trying to find a reason to keep holding on to the railings but failing to do so. The wind brushes across his cheeks in perfect synchronisation with the memories of his self-deemed worthless life flashing before his eyes. He takes in a deep breath. “Fuck it” he says. “Fuck all of it”. He surrenders to gravity, letting go of the tightly gripped railings. Just as he is about to go into freefall, he notices an unfamiliar warmth around his chest. Yes, it’s the warmth of a loving, kind stranger who’s come from nowhere to provide the kid with that feeling he’s been longing for all his life – the feeling that there’s someone out there who cares. The feeling that love, friendship and compassion is still possible. Some would call this hope. And from that moment onwards, he had a reason to hold on, to keep fighting, to live for another day.

And then there’s me. And there’s you. We all have our own stories, our own challenges. And then there’s billions of others. I think we all need to remember this more often. Sometimes we get caught up in a moment, anxious, worried or excited, and we feel as though the world revolves around us. Every single second these things are happening – and we are certainly not the centre of the universe. We are all unique and important in our own way, but sometimes we need to ground ourselves and remember our place. Our thoughts and feelings are important, but they are not enough to change every single thing that goes on around us to be the way we want them to be. We can’t have every single person like us. We can’t have every single person behave the way we want, or do the things we want them to do.

I think sometimes, we need to remember our place, and realise that a lot of the internal chatter that goes on within our minds is a waste of energy, a lot of the anger and stress and dissatisfaction is caused by our expectations which are often, when you look at them objectively, unreasonable. Think about it. Is it reasonable to expect every single event to unfold the way you want it to? Is it reasonable to expect everyone to like you? Billions of things are going on in this world, billions of souls all going through different walks of life. You are important, you are unique. But sometimes it’s better to surrender yourself to the natural flow of things and remember that the world does not revolve around you. There is a natural process. The world keeps spinning, plants keep growing, the sun goes up and then it goes down again, and life goes on... Remember that.

PS: Not entirely pleased with this piece, but it's been a while and I haven't been able to perfect it so I wanted to share. Let me know what you think!

Life is Worth The Struggle

Give yourself credit. Take a step back every now and then to reflect on things and remember not to be too harsh on yourself.

I mean seriously, why do our inner voices have to be so critical and so cynical? When we look at others around us and evaluate some of the things they’ve gone through, how do we react? When it comes to analysing our own selves, we’re like our own worst enemy. That inner voice is a bitch, ignore it.

I try and remind myself every now and then to take a step back, take some alone time to reflect on things and recognise how far I’ve come over the years. Yes, I talk to myself sometimes, and I have my own inner dialogue with regards to what I’ve achieved, and I analyse these the way I would if a friend of mine was telling me his life story.

Of course, none of us are perfect – we all face similar challenges in life and just like you, I also manage to bring myself down from time to time. But in those situations we have to remember that as long as we are breathing and as long as the world keeps spinning, we have time to make our dreams come true. I believe that with all my heart.

We can all make an impact on this world, we can change things for the better, and we can leave our mark on this world. I don’t know about you, but one of my biggest dreams is to somehow leave a mark on this world – I have no idea how I would do that at the moment, but I believe there is a way and I believe I will figure it out, and I think that’s the most important part – believing until your very last breath, even when you’ve lost all reason to believe.

Be proud, and be strong, brave souls. Yes, we all have different life paths and endure different circumstances from both ends of the extremely broad spectrum of life, but if you’re reading this, no matter what you’re going through I believe you have a glimpse of hope and strength within you, and I bet you’ve overcome some amazing things. You have great things in your life too, I’m sure. Sometimes the best things in our lives we take for granted, or we drive away from ourselves. Love and happiness often come from these things – we just need to remember to appreciate them, to reincorporate them into our lives and remember how blessed we are. Believe in yourself, and stay strong.

PS: If you’re looking for a good book to read, I highly recommend The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer – a book about finding inner peace and making the best of the amazing journey that is life.

PROVEHITO IN ALTUM
Daniel

A Life Worth Living

Once upon a time, there was a boy. He had been born into a corrupt, wicked world, a world in which anger, pain and worst of all, hate, took hostage the heart of every individual, including those who claimed to be good. The world consisted of two types of people: the good at war with evil, and the evil fighting endlessly against the good, refusing to forfeit. The world in itself was confused – how was the boy supposed to even start to comprehend all the jealousy, the rage, or the discrimination of not only the strangers around him, but of his very own friends and himself? This boy was just another victim, but he felt like he was the only one. He never understood the people around him. The people didn't understand him, either.

One thing that was noteworthy of this kid was the way he handled things – or so he was told. The young man went through so much in the little amount of time he had been around: his parents fought, his friends left year after year, and at times he was left out, bullied, denied. He was sometimes alone, and all he could do was stand still, with his head up high. He had nothing or no one to lean on, but what he did not realize was that the pain he was going through would make him a stronger man than ever.  He got punched, hit hard and brought down. At times he began to wonder if it was the world's attempt to knock him out, or if it was some sort of test. He always found a way to push himself up. He learned not to depend on others to give him a hand and pull him up. He started to depend on his own strength. 

The boy grew up to be a fine man, but he was nowhere near perfect. Selfishness, confusion, excitement and the prospect of emerging into something new, something different was so overwhelming that he could not avoid making the mistakes he would live to regret. He weeped and cried about it sometimes. He prayed to God that he would be forgiven – he asked for guidance from above. He hoped to become a better man, he wished to learn from his mistakes. The kid had faith which was admirable. God never turned away from this young man. One day, something magical happened. It was almost like he had been rewarded for persisting through the pain and tragedies of life alone, for so long...He had found love. The time he had with his girl was nothing short of breathtaking. The excitement of the first date, the first time to declare his love, the first kiss - they were all things he had been longing for. After all the pain, regret, sorrow and misery, he felt something new, something different. In that moment he realized he was happy. 

He was hit pretty hard one day, when, the girl he loved and cared so much about decided to end the one thing in his life that he believed to be truly magical. In that moment the boy realized what a crazy world it was and how in a matter of seconds, a person could go from being the happiest person alive, to suffering the greatest tragedy of all – the loss of his hearts desire. That moment, perhaps one of the worse in his life, was a moment the boy would have loved to erase. But to erase that moment would also mean to erase all the beautiful moments he had with her, the memories they had made together. Years passed, and he still remembered that feeling. But he kept telling himself that it was better to have the great memories along with the pain and sorrow than to not have any of it at all. That, along with the faith the young man had in God, the belief that life was worth living, the prospect of peace, happiness and last but not least, the hope he had that love really did exist and love would find him, one way or another, made him the strong man he had always hoped to become. He was proud to be that man, and he loved God for giving him something to trust in, a shoulder to lean on when he needed it the most. He learned that no matter what came his way, however dangerous, frightening, painful or tragic it may be, he would have a guiding force in his life, something or someone would always help him make it through. All he needed to do was be strong, and believe. Have faith. And he promised himself, that he always would.

Once upon a time, there was a boy. The boy is gone now, and has been replaced by the strong, faithful, hopeful man he had always dreamed of becoming. That man is me.

-PROVEHITO IN ALTUM-

Moving On

I’ve been thinking. As I always do.

How do people do it? Getting over that one person you went all out with.
That one single soul, in a planet of over eight billion, who with just a smile could make your heart skip a beat, merely with a single word make you the happiest person alive or cause you to drown yourself in tears. That one person you sat with on a late summer night staring at the cloudless sky decorated with an endless array of glimmering stars, dreaming of the life you would have together. 

That one person who once dictated each and every single thought that went through your mind.

People say you get over them. Eventually. I’m starting to question whether they ever truly loved the ones they “got over”. Because it would appear that regardless of what you do, who you’re with, who you date, and who you sleep with, the thoughts of that one person you gave all your heart, mind and soul to, never perish.

So if my hypothesis is true, how do we deal with it? I don’t know. But I think one of the most important things is to acknowledge that maybe we will never truly get over it.

Don’t get me wrong - we will eventually find happiness and love again. We will, at some point make our dreams come true. I believe that as long as we are persistent in what we do and courageous enough to keep fighting against whatever life throws at us, these things are going to come to us. But I think it’s human nature to, at one point or another, stop and skim through those faded memories, think about the hopes and dreams we had back then, and reflect on where we are now. I think we will always wonder what could have been. 

I guess that’s cause people, regardless of what they accomplish and what they have in their lives, are never permanently happy, and they never will be. And in our weaker moments, we sabotage ourselves with self-induced, poisonous negative thoughts which lead us to believe that at some point we took a wrong turn and that we would be better off if we had done things differently. It’s silly and deceiving, but I say it’s just our nature. This always reminds me of a quote I heard on One Tree Hill. "Happiness is not a destination, it’s a mood. It comes and goes. And if we all thought of it that way, maybe we’d be happy more often". One to think about.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I think I’ve lost my faith in this whole getting over someone process. I’ve stopped waiting and expecting that I will someday wake up, and from that day onwards never again - not even for a split second - think of that one person which had once occupied every single thought in my mind, that one person who I couldn’t spend more than a few days apart from. And in a way, that makes it easier to deal with…

At least that’s what I’ve deduced from my experiences so far anyway.

Dear G-d

Amazing lyrics by Being As An Ocean that I just had to share...

As I pen these things
It might literally be all I have
Ink on paper
Does any of this matter?
Then I’m reminded of what I’ve seen
The places I love and the people I’ve been
Only Love could have brought me to this place
Holding in me a joyful heart while spit covers my face
I’ve come to forgive those who’ve wronged me
Knowing that they’ve helped make me into exactly who You intended me to be
I’m trying my best to be a better man
Despite all my fears, I really am
I write these things to remind myself
That amidst this darkness, there still remains
Light, Hope, and a perfect plan
For the first time in my life
I am writing for the sake of writing
Living for the sake of living
Loving for the sake of loving
And I’ll live
So you can call this sort of life a hopeless endeavor
That this tiny vessel could ever endure such violent weather
Call it pointless
I’ll continue to carry out Grace none the less
I will scream it till my face is blue
There is a point to all of this and its always been You

Remember Tonight

I was reminded once again last night of that special feeling of knowing you're in the presence of love and how love conquers all. Love, put simply, appears to me to be the essence of life. Without love, we are nothing. I accept that the perception and experience of love may differ from person to person. Some of us will find love as we gaze into each other's eyes and see into the depths of their hearts, whereas others may find love in a sport, a place, a restless dream... But love in itself is essential,constant and necessary, even for those guided by evil.

I admit this may be a slightly rushed reflection of a drunken night full of celebration and excitement, but I felt the need to share these thoughts, thank my friends for reminding me once again that there is hope for all of us and that love is the guiding force of our lives, and above all, wish them a lifetime of happiness. I dedicate this piece to you guys, you know who you are :)

And I think it's appropriate to close with one of my favourite quotes from One Tree Hill.

"Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise, like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore and simply rise above the pain of the past. A covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. The celebration of the chance taken and the challenges that lie ahead. For two will always be stronger than one, like a team braced against the tempest civil world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held. Promises made long ago, in the sacred spaces of our hearts"

PROVEHITO IN ALTUM
Daniel

Sacrifice

Sacrifice.

The greatest act of love. 

I’d heard it before – the romantic notion of giving up anything and everything so that the one person you truly love could be happy, regardless of whether you were there to be a part of it or not. There was always something that sounded so heroic and epic about it. 

Now I know how it feels.  

All I ever wanted was for us to beat the odds. But in a way, we both knew what was coming - it was like a time bomb set into motion, destined to expldoe. The dreams, the plans, it all faded away so quickly, but after all this time, I’ve finally realised that what’s most important is for us to be happy, whether it be together or with other people. It was always us against them back then, but that misguided notion led to nothing but unrealistic expectations and promises that could never be kept. 

But without these lessons, where would I be? If there’s no suffering, no pain or healing, how do we learn? How do we appreciate the beauty and the greatness of what we have, when we have it?

How do you go about this the next time? Love fiercely, but accept that it may not last forever. Don’t make promises that you can’t keep. Never say never. Never say forever. 

Know that the people you meet will either be a part of your dreams when they come true, or will help you find your way to bigger things. Think of it as a win-win situation. 

Don’t let people’s actions and words define your happiness. They can be a reason for your happiness, but don’t ever let them be the only reason.

And, at the end of it all, don’t breed hate, cherish the memories and hope for the best, because if it doesn’t work out, there’s always a good reason. 

And even if you miss the way things were every now and then, remember:

The greatest act of love is sacrifice.

So make a sacrifice today and let them be happy, even if it means you can never see that happiness or be a part of it.

Hello World

Hello world. Most of you probably have no clue who I am, where I'm from, or what I do for a living. And you probably don't need to. I'm probably not much different than those of you who are reading this. I'm just one of - God knows how many billion we are now - people on this planet - living, learning and trying to make sense of it all as I go along. I've always liked writing, though the inspiration to do so can be hard to find at times.

I've decided today, after much contemplation, to start a blog and share some of my thoughts with you. I was previously fairly active on deviantArt, an online community of artists of all backgrounds, and received some positive feedback.

Seeing people relate to what I thought, felt and then put into words and being told that what I wrote helped those people through some extremely tough situations was both the greatest and most rewarding feeling ever. This is the biggest motivation for me. So, starting today I will be sharing some of my literature with you along with some general thoughts and updates if you'll have me.

Please do let me know what you think!

Cheers,
Daniel